One of the hardest things I ever had to face happened last night. My husband and I were fighting until about 3:00 this morning. I am tired and drained. My husband has always demanded for me to tell him about my past boyfriends and flings. When he asked me how many over a year ago, I lied. I told him that I had only been with 5 men in my life. I know I shouldn’t have, but that’s not the point. I lied for many reasons. The first was the fact that I feel guilty about my past because in comparison to him, I’ve been with a lot of people. Then again, he’s only been with one other girl other than me. The second was the fact that I feel like a whore because he has always hinted that both my sisters are somewhat slutty. The third is the fact that I did not want to hurt him. The fourth is that I did not want to lose him because of my past.
Well last night the fight started when he said that I had way too many guy friends. I have always been somewhat of a tomboy, so I do have more guy friends than woman friends. That does not make me a whore by any means. I get along better with guys because I am not into make up or hair, or any other really girly thing for that matter. I grabbed my year book because he had said that if I didn’t make him a list of everyone I was friends with that it would start to eat at him and he would eventually punch someone. That upset me even worse, so I started showing him the pictures of all the friends I had in school. He knew I was getting mad, so he said I did not have to go on. He just stormed off and went to take a shower.
When he got through taking his shower, I took mine. We then went to bed, where I figured that he would say he was sorry for jumping to conclusions that all my guy friends had wanted something more. He didn’t, instead he just rolled over. I could not fall asleep for the life of me because of that guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was guilt from lying to him about my past that was making me feel like I was the worst person in the world. I got up out of bed, which he didn’t even budge to see what was wrong. I went into the office and started to type. The letter came out sounding mean and frustrated, which I was.
I made a list of over 100 guys that fit into several different categories: exes, guys I’ve slept with, guys I’ve been friends with, and guys that I can’t stand. I didn’t divide them into the categories instead I just made one big long list. I then wrote him a little piece telling him that the past is the past, and that he needed to make a decision to live in the future or live in the past. I threw the letter at him and stormed off into the living room. I waited for him to come in the room and respond, but he never did. After 30 minutes I returned to our bedroom and asked him if he even read it. He said he had, but he had nothing to say.
I then told him that I knew his choice then, it was to live in the past and continue harassing me about it. I then stormed off into our spare bedroom to sleep and listen to some music to clear my head. He came in behind me and told me that he wanted to talk about it. I then told him that there were some things that he didn’t know about me and that he probably never would because of the criticism he always gives me for my past. He said that he didn’t understand and I told him he never would. He said “That makes me feel really good; my own wife has to lie to me because I am such a jerk.” I told him that’s not completely the truth; I put up walls also because I’m scared of losing him.
He said he didn’t care what it was that he would never leave me because he loved me. He said “Why don’t you get everything off your chest, and then you’ll feel better.” I told him, “Well, I’ve lied to you about a few things, but you are going to hate me for them.” He said he wouldn’t. I then opened up and told him that I had slept with more guys then he thought I had been with. He said “OK.” Then he started in on me again about the fact that he was going to start punching any guy that talks or even looks at me. That mad me very angry. I yelled at him and told him “Fine, then hand me the list, so I can mark the guys I’ve slept with.” He handed it to me. I marked ten, one of which was him. He then grabbed the list from my hands, so I got up and stormed out of the room.
He read it came in the bedroom and grabbed his pillow. At that moment there were many thoughts that went through my mind. The first was that things will never be the same. The second was that he was going to leave me. The third was that I should have never lied. I then went into the living room and told him that I was sorry, but I thought it would be better if I lied then tell him and lose him. I also told him that obviously when he told me when he wouldn’t love me any less or leave me that it was all a lie. He said he couldn’t sleep in the same bed with me.
I told him that I was leaving then. He had nothing to say. I started putting clothes on and I started to cry. I couldn’t stop because I thought I’d lost the one man that I cared about. This was the one thing that I had lied about to try to avoid. My world literally came crashing down. He then came in the bedroom and told me that I wasn’t leaving and that he’d be in there in a minute. I thought it was out of pity. He came back in and I was still crying hysterically. He grabbed me and pulled me close and said that he was sorry. He said that he wouldn’t ever think any less of me. He didn’t understand why I had lied. There was one person on the list that he is an enemy with, that’s what got to him the most. And that is also the reason why I didn’t want to tell him. Everything was so complicated. It’s not as simple as you read bluechew reviewed articles. My husband was jealous and quite controlling. In that time, I really had no idea what to do. He was always going back to my past and he wanted to know every single detail.
He held me and told me that the past is the past. He also told me that he couldn’t imagine living without me, just like I couldn’t ever live without him. He also told me that he shouldn’t have been such a jerk about everything that happened. He said he understood why I had been with so many guys was the fact that, that was the way I coped with all the bad things in my life. I always either drank myself into a stupor or would go have fun with my friends, which sometimes lead to sex. He also told me that he never wanted me to ever have to lie to him again because of the way he treated me.
We made up, but I am still writing this because I still can’t forgive myself for what I did. One piece of advice I can give to anyone in this situation is to never ever lie. They always say that honestly is the best policy. It is in every case. I almost lost the man I love from being so stupid and lying to try to keep from losing him. It is better to be forward with the information and let yourself go. If they truly love you, then they won’t care if you’ve been with only them, or over 200 guys. Girls always remember that your man will always want to know who and how many you’ve been with. And guys always remember that the girls are sensitive about that.